Just
Ryo-oki
bikil
Sometimes we use words in speech that we might not use in other, more formal, situations. This often happens with words such as "like" and "you know." Have you ever seen a transcript of yourself after you've been recorded? 

It's like, you know, the worst, you know? 

And when you're checking a transcript, usually you can't change it because you've already said what you're going to say, they just want you to check it and see if they accidentally transcribed the word "whore wheeeee!" instead of hoary or something. I have discovered, though, that nothing shows off fun little speech habits better than the language acquisition of a child.

My daughter is now almost three. As her language developed, I found I was surprised by many of her speech patterns and habits. I would wonder things like, " Where does that chipmunk laugh come from?" only to find it was an exact replica of my very own special laugh, but in a higher register, heh.

The one that I've noticed recently is the word "just." 

"I just putting this here." 
"I just taking baby for walk." 
"I just putting this whole thing in my mouf."

I heard it for a long time before it slowly sunk in that she used the word "just" an awful lot. I started to wonder where it came from. I also started feeling a little uneasy about it. Then, I listened to myself (never do that, seriously). I realized with horror that I used the word "just" CON-STANT-LEEEEEE! Blargh! 

Now, it's a "thing." I can't stop hearing it every.damn.time I use it. And I've started trying to use it less because I was truly horrified, nay frozen with horror, at well, at just how much I used it. Now it's lost all meaning to me. I started wondering 1. what the hell is wrong with me? and 2. what the fuck does this word even mean anyway? 

Because of the internets, I looked it up on dictionary.com. This seems to be the closest definition that fits my usage:
–adverb
9. within a brief preceding time; but a moment before: The sun just came out.
10. exactly or precisely: This is just what I mean.
11. by a narrow margin; barely: The arrow just missed the mark.
12. only or merely: He was just a clerk until he became ambitious.
13. actually; really; positively: The weather is just glorious.

I've also started noticing when everyone else is using it. It seems like others use it a lot too, but I'm not sure if they really are, or if I'm just (augh!) hyper-aware of it. 

I also don't know what to DO with this knowledge now. I can't start some kind of campaign. I don't really need to make people aware of it. I guess I should write a blog post and go back to trying to ignore the whole thing. Swallow it down like it was my own just-filled vomit and go on with my life. And, well, that's just what I'm going to do. 


What is this for?
Ryo-oki
bikil
I'm trying to decide exactly what this is for. I guess it is for me to post things that I want to say, but that I mostly want to say to myself because no one else will really see it, or care about it.

Here are some things:
1. My legs got really cold on the way to the bus stop this morning. It was about 10 degrees or so, I had on a lovely Russian hat with the ear flaps down, my floor length black wool Star Wars Emperor coat with the hood up over the Russian hat, gloves, a thick woolly scarf, my "boiling" socks (so named because if it's not really cold out my feet feel like they're boiling), and two shirts (including one velour fuzzy number) underneath the Emperor coat. I thought that would be good, but didn't realize that my pants were thinner than they should be, until I ended up waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a bus that never came. I trudged back home to wake up Alex and see if he could take me to work since the whole point of me taking the bus today was so he could have the car to go to Layton. By the time I got home, I had been out in the cold for about 1/2 hour and my legs were feeling a bit numb. So, I need to be aware of my pants on bus days, or I need tights under my pants, which might be fine too.

2. I feel evil at work when I screw around, but if I don't screw around, I will get all my work done too fast. I asked my boss once when I first started here what I should do when I run out of work, and she basically said "Enjoy it!" So, I took that to mean, 'I will not be giving you other work, so just look busy." I do enjoy it to some extent, but I also feel a bit guilty about it sometimes. But then, I get a rush of work where I'm working my ass off double-time and over-time (this is the nature of grant writing), and then I feel better, like I've made up for the screwing around.

3. Speaking of guilt, I really need to work on not feeling guilty for so many things, especially if I want to be a good parent. Just about every damn thing you do when you're a parent causes guilt in some form or another, and I really don't want our daughter to pick that up. I feel guilty if I'm "just" playing with her because I'm not doing housework, or working on some other thing that needs to be done. If I'm working on some other thing that needs to be done, I feel guilty because I'm not playing with my daughter. I feel bad that I don't do enough around the house, but I also need down time, When I'm mucking about on the computer, I feel guilty because I am neither playing with our daughter nor working on something on the house. I also feel guilty about getting angry and not reining it in enough, about not showing my feelings enough, about not communicating enough, etc. etc. etc. It never ends, and it really doesn't do ANYONE any good for me to feel guilty. Anyway, the point of that damn rant is that I really need to work on letting go of the guilt for things and just experience life as it is. If I need to be DOING something, then I need to do it dammit, not just feel guilty about it. Ah vell, such is life.

4. It's my Dad's birthday today. We're taking him to Rodizio for dinner. MMMMM! We really can't afford it, in fact we will have to put it on credit, but boy are they yummy and I think M will really enjoy the drummers.

5. My Dad is totally amazing! He is so supportive of me no matter what I do! His love is truly unconditional and I am so happy he is there. He's pretty much become a Dad to Alex too. It's wonderful!

I think that's a good note on which to end (with which to haven ending?).

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